Today I would like to talk about a little something that affects each and every one of us. I am speaking, of course, about a little epidemic we like to call PMS.
Now I do not claim to have this all figured out – this PMS is a phenomenon that quite possibly will remain a mystery forever. But I do have a few thoughts on this very important subject. My hope for you is that you will take what little advice I have, and pair it with any wisdom you have gleaned over the years in order to be all the wiser the next time you encounter this unpleasant malady.
Knowledge is power. And if we all pull together, I believe we can save lives.
PMS - which I refer to as ‘Positively Mental Shitstorm’ - is the affliction that causes a person to fly into a fit of rage because their pants mysteriously shrunk while hanging in the closet overnight or someone ate the last yogurt and forgot to write it on the list. It can bring on an instantaneous flood of tears simply over a missing set of car keys, an overcooked steak, or an ill-timed red light. It can prompt a strongly written letter to your congressman informing him of the mismanagement of the local trampoline park, or cause a very ugly scene in Macy’s over a price on a mislabeled comforter.
PMS can get so intense that often times women have been known to toy with the idea of smothering their spouse in the night with a pillow. Still others have had vivid daydreams about a carefully placed kick to the little punk at the Verizon store who kept using the word ‘ma’am’ and explained everything in a very slow, patronizing fashion. There have also been reports of women who’ve wondered what it would feel like to tap someone with their car in order to get them to move across the lot a little faster.
If you polled all women about these seemingly disturbing thoughts during the dark hours or days of PMS, twenty-five percent would admit to having experienced something similar.
The other seventy-five percent are liars.
If you’re truly lucky, the worst of the symptoms may only last a couple of hours. But even if you have to endure two or three days of this treachery, these tips will come in handy.
Advice for the sufferers of PMS
1. Avoid the internet, especially Facebook, YouTube, or basically any site that allows you to comment on anything.
2. Wine is optional. But ONLY if you strictly adhere to number one.
3. NO HAIRCUTS. This is not a joke. Don’t do it. Just wait.
4. Try to sleep through as much of it as you can.
5. ATTEMPT to admit to yourself - early on - that you know exactly why you are behaving this way. I say attempt because I don’t believe it’s possible. Of course we are aware of what’s going on – the older we get, the easier it is to recognize the signs. But admitting it is a different story altogether. In our twisted brains, we don’t want there to be an excuse for our irrational behavior and thought process. We simply want to be right.
Advice for the victims of PMS
1. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Whatever you do, do not purposely engage. Plan business trips, late nights at the office, night out with your friends; anything to keep you out of the house. But know that by doing this, there's a chance you will be interrogated as to your whereabouts. Waterboarding is not out of the question.
2. If you are unlucky enough to work with the individual, just keep your head down. Remember that the work day is temporary, and it will soon be over.
3. Nothing that you do will be right. Just accept that. If you remain calm, it means you don’t care. If you argue back, you are being a bully. If you go to sleep… well, there’s always that small chance you could get smothered with a pillow.
4. DO NOT, under any circumstances, refer to her current condition. Do not suggest that perhaps she is ‘hormonal’ or ask if it’s ‘that time of the month’, or even utter the letters PMS under your breath. This will end badly.
5. If the afflicted so much as mentions ‘Gone Girl’ during this trying time – especially if she says she relates to it in any way… RUN the F*&$ away!
Your takeaway here should be this. PMS is bad. There’s no denying it. Take it seriously. For the love of God, it ain’t no joke! But remember that it is temporary. This is not real, it’s a brief visit to the fictional land of Crazytown, and you will find your way home. Once you’re home, you can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Until next month.
Now I do not claim to have this all figured out – this PMS is a phenomenon that quite possibly will remain a mystery forever. But I do have a few thoughts on this very important subject. My hope for you is that you will take what little advice I have, and pair it with any wisdom you have gleaned over the years in order to be all the wiser the next time you encounter this unpleasant malady.
Knowledge is power. And if we all pull together, I believe we can save lives.
PMS - which I refer to as ‘Positively Mental Shitstorm’ - is the affliction that causes a person to fly into a fit of rage because their pants mysteriously shrunk while hanging in the closet overnight or someone ate the last yogurt and forgot to write it on the list. It can bring on an instantaneous flood of tears simply over a missing set of car keys, an overcooked steak, or an ill-timed red light. It can prompt a strongly written letter to your congressman informing him of the mismanagement of the local trampoline park, or cause a very ugly scene in Macy’s over a price on a mislabeled comforter.
PMS can get so intense that often times women have been known to toy with the idea of smothering their spouse in the night with a pillow. Still others have had vivid daydreams about a carefully placed kick to the little punk at the Verizon store who kept using the word ‘ma’am’ and explained everything in a very slow, patronizing fashion. There have also been reports of women who’ve wondered what it would feel like to tap someone with their car in order to get them to move across the lot a little faster.
If you polled all women about these seemingly disturbing thoughts during the dark hours or days of PMS, twenty-five percent would admit to having experienced something similar.
The other seventy-five percent are liars.
If you’re truly lucky, the worst of the symptoms may only last a couple of hours. But even if you have to endure two or three days of this treachery, these tips will come in handy.
Advice for the sufferers of PMS
1. Avoid the internet, especially Facebook, YouTube, or basically any site that allows you to comment on anything.
2. Wine is optional. But ONLY if you strictly adhere to number one.
3. NO HAIRCUTS. This is not a joke. Don’t do it. Just wait.
4. Try to sleep through as much of it as you can.
5. ATTEMPT to admit to yourself - early on - that you know exactly why you are behaving this way. I say attempt because I don’t believe it’s possible. Of course we are aware of what’s going on – the older we get, the easier it is to recognize the signs. But admitting it is a different story altogether. In our twisted brains, we don’t want there to be an excuse for our irrational behavior and thought process. We simply want to be right.
Advice for the victims of PMS
1. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Whatever you do, do not purposely engage. Plan business trips, late nights at the office, night out with your friends; anything to keep you out of the house. But know that by doing this, there's a chance you will be interrogated as to your whereabouts. Waterboarding is not out of the question.
2. If you are unlucky enough to work with the individual, just keep your head down. Remember that the work day is temporary, and it will soon be over.
3. Nothing that you do will be right. Just accept that. If you remain calm, it means you don’t care. If you argue back, you are being a bully. If you go to sleep… well, there’s always that small chance you could get smothered with a pillow.
4. DO NOT, under any circumstances, refer to her current condition. Do not suggest that perhaps she is ‘hormonal’ or ask if it’s ‘that time of the month’, or even utter the letters PMS under your breath. This will end badly.
5. If the afflicted so much as mentions ‘Gone Girl’ during this trying time – especially if she says she relates to it in any way… RUN the F*&$ away!
Your takeaway here should be this. PMS is bad. There’s no denying it. Take it seriously. For the love of God, it ain’t no joke! But remember that it is temporary. This is not real, it’s a brief visit to the fictional land of Crazytown, and you will find your way home. Once you’re home, you can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Until next month.
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