In light of this very special holiday, I thought it would be apropos to talk about what has become the iconic symbol of Thanksgiving.
Only the turkeys I will be discussing may not be the ones you’re thinking of.
I am talking about a different kind of turkey. The kind that walks upright among us, and makes you shake your head (and sometimes your fist) in frustration or just disgust.
Now, there are varying levels of turkeys – no two turkeys are exactly alike. I have put together this list of ten turkeys, rated one to ten, with ten obviously being the biggest turkey of all. This list is in no way complete, of course. It is simply a sampling of some of the turkeys I’ve come across lately.
You’re welcome.
1. the turkey at the four-way stop who doesn’t understand the concept of taking turns
2. the turkey who watches you juggle, rather than open or hold the door for you
3. the lactose intolerant turkey who buys the last gallon of milk before a snowstorm
4. the turkey who brings up religion or politics in any group setting
5. the turkey who speaks in riddles and metaphors all day long, but never actually says anything
6. the turkey that comes to your house before nine on a Saturday morning and claims that if you don’t pay them fifty bucks to paint bright yellow numbers on your curb, fire trucks and ambulances will have no way to locate you in an emergency
7. the turkey who falls for number 6
8. the turkey that drives an 18-wheeler and feels an absolute sense of urgency to move into the far left lane just before going up that huge hill on Route 78
9. the turkey that blocks the grocery aisle because she is so engrossed in a phone conversation about the latest rumors on so-and-so’s boob job, she doesn’t notice there are other people in the store
10. the turkey who gives away the ending
In closing, my friends, I would like to offer you a way to tolerate the multiple turkeys in your life, and add a bit of fun to it all in the process. Call it a public service, or an early Christmas gift. The next time you encounter one of these individuals, don’t get mad, don’t utter a filthy word under your breath, and don’t even clench your teeth. Simply throw your head back and chuckle to yourself as you label the offender a turkey, give them a rating on the turkey scale, and thank the heavens that you are intelligent enough to spot them. Because the world is full of turkeys – all year round – and if you don’t see at least three a week, then I fear that you may be a turkey yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! And whatever you do... Don't be a turkey.
Only the turkeys I will be discussing may not be the ones you’re thinking of.
I am talking about a different kind of turkey. The kind that walks upright among us, and makes you shake your head (and sometimes your fist) in frustration or just disgust.
Now, there are varying levels of turkeys – no two turkeys are exactly alike. I have put together this list of ten turkeys, rated one to ten, with ten obviously being the biggest turkey of all. This list is in no way complete, of course. It is simply a sampling of some of the turkeys I’ve come across lately.
You’re welcome.
1. the turkey at the four-way stop who doesn’t understand the concept of taking turns
2. the turkey who watches you juggle, rather than open or hold the door for you
3. the lactose intolerant turkey who buys the last gallon of milk before a snowstorm
4. the turkey who brings up religion or politics in any group setting
5. the turkey who speaks in riddles and metaphors all day long, but never actually says anything
6. the turkey that comes to your house before nine on a Saturday morning and claims that if you don’t pay them fifty bucks to paint bright yellow numbers on your curb, fire trucks and ambulances will have no way to locate you in an emergency
7. the turkey who falls for number 6
8. the turkey that drives an 18-wheeler and feels an absolute sense of urgency to move into the far left lane just before going up that huge hill on Route 78
9. the turkey that blocks the grocery aisle because she is so engrossed in a phone conversation about the latest rumors on so-and-so’s boob job, she doesn’t notice there are other people in the store
10. the turkey who gives away the ending
In closing, my friends, I would like to offer you a way to tolerate the multiple turkeys in your life, and add a bit of fun to it all in the process. Call it a public service, or an early Christmas gift. The next time you encounter one of these individuals, don’t get mad, don’t utter a filthy word under your breath, and don’t even clench your teeth. Simply throw your head back and chuckle to yourself as you label the offender a turkey, give them a rating on the turkey scale, and thank the heavens that you are intelligent enough to spot them. Because the world is full of turkeys – all year round – and if you don’t see at least three a week, then I fear that you may be a turkey yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! And whatever you do... Don't be a turkey.
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